Counting My Top 5 Failures of 2024: Unexpected Lessons of the Year

It's that time of year again! As we come to the end of another year already, you'll see myself and many others reflecting on their year. Areas of growth, celebrations to be grateful for, and the many wins are often brought to light. You'll find gorgeous photos of families together shared on social media and those with business pursuits sharing their top successes of the year... which is wonderful! But I'm here to count and celebrate my top failures of 2024, and encourage you to do the same. Within what we consider to be our greatest "failures" you will find the most powerful lessons.

I wish I'd remembered where I'd seen it to give proper credit, but someone shared that when their family sat down to supper together their dad always joyfully asked one question.

"Does anyone want to share what they failed at today?!"

The family held space for one another as they shared not their successes but their failures. Some silly, some deep and heavy, but all for one purpose. If they weren't failing at something it meant they weren't learning or trying anything new. This father cheered on these failures with joy, for they were celebrating growth.

It's how this process works. Think of a child who is just learning to walk. Do they take their first few steps with confidence, knowing the skill has been mastered? Not even close! They wobble and bobble, often with a grin on their face as they fall down. They lean on those they trust for support, and fall to the ground sooooo many times. Even us adults who would consider our walking skills to be pretty good fall down every now and again!

If we're learning knew skills, trying new things, and seeking to better ourselves by building new habits, it's inevitable. We're going to fail. Here are a my five greatest failures of 2024 and what I learned from them:

1) Nonprofit Startup Attempt

This spring I felt an intense call to turn my passion and pursuits into a nonprofit. Maybe you saw the announcement, maybe you didn't, but I felt it so deep in my soul that this was to come into being. I envisioned an organization that focused on supporting the natural wellness and healing of women and improved access to holistic healing modalities. I saw healing practitioners coming together for the good of the community in a comfortable and fulfilling atmosphere that honored different spiritually and cultural beliefs equally.

I still hold the vision. The thing about futuristic thinkers like myself is that sometimes we get a bit excited. We see the vision so clearly and FEEL the goodness of what mission has been placed on our heart that we just want to get rolling ahead full steam.

Butttt sometimes that doesn't work the way we plan. Both fortunately and unfortunately my time and priorities do not allow for the commitment this nonprofit start up requires. I know there will be a time when the kiddos are older and off on more of their own adventures, and I look forward to giving this project the time it deserves.

What I learned: It doesn't all have to be done today.

I needed to slow down and assess how much time all projects currently require, and double the estimated time for anything involving the kids! Also, I was reminded that it is possible to hold a vision and know it will come into fruition. Just not all at once, and not always in the exact way we picture. After all, I was simultaneously writing my first poetry book (find it here) and I vastly underestimated the amount of time homeschooling would take. Leading to the next beautiful failure of this past year...

2) Homeschooling Vision

We came into our homeschooling journey somewhat unexpectedly. While we had been considering it already since preschool days, we weren't planning on making the shift in the middle of a semester. We spent springtime re-regulating a nervous system in full neurodivergent burnout mode and enjoying lots of outdoor time. Then come the end of summer into fall, I spent hours researching the best curriculum for our daughter's learning style and curiosities, saving unit project ideas and pinning picturesque learning spaces for inspiration. I visualized slow and peaceful mornings reading and writing together with our cozy tea and breakfast snacks. A daughter excited to learn and devour the material chosen. Myself, calm and collected, feeling refreshed by the increased sense of consistency and regulation.

What I learned: Release expectations and embrace what works while being open to learning.

As many more experienced homeschoolers could tell you, your plans are often adjusted from what you thought it would be like. Sure there are days we follow the curriculum perfectly and I actually have myself put together. But I've discovered this is not where the value of our decision lies.

The greatest and most fulfilling days have little to do with whether our room was put together like that Pinterest board. It's been the freedom to visit their dad at work, knowing what he does every day and getting to help here and there. It's found in treasuring library visits and ability to choose what we focus on, letting their curiosity guide us rather than a state-mandated schedule of events. It was in the moment our first-grader announced, "I'm going to learn Spanish," followed not long behind by "I want to learn sign language!" And so we began. My mama heart swells with the beauty of watching their sibling bond grow strong as they help to balance one another. And boy, oh boy, am I grateful for our outdoor time. We've spent this year camping and adventuring to build a real and knowledgeable relationship with the world around us. The kids can identify types of trees, birds, animals, and are learning about the uses of native plants. They can build a fire, cast a reel, and most importantly of all, they're growing in wonder of our wondrous environment with every adventure.

I could stand to grow in my organization skills and keep expanding my own self-regulation techniques for when little humans have big emotions. I've learned I need to ask for help and rely on my village more. I've discovered that I am not only capable... but I'm also one of two most qualified people on the planet to know what children need. I've learned that yes, I CAN do this even though it isn't always easy. And when it starts to feel unbearably hard, just go outside. Take the kids and get lost among the trees, and let the little wildlings be wild.

3) Time Management

My brain is not wired for good time management. It's just not. Maybe because how we measure time is a man-made construct that doesn't make sense... but I'll leave going down that rabbit hole for another time.

As mentioned in my first failure, I often vastly underestimate the amount of time a task will take. Especially when involving a nearly three year old and seven year old who are as dedicated to delaying or avoiding the task as you are to making it happen. My wiring also causes me to want to jump from task to task, unless I construct the perfectly concocted environment that supports me locking into the zone.

Which brings me to the flip side. Once I lock in, especially in the creative zone, time becomes irrelevant. This is something I always enjoyed before having kids. I could get into that place of flow and just let the creativity go! I'd write or create for hours, not even realizing a meal or two had passed until I completed the project or got to a good pause point. Once the conduit turned on it was satisfying to roll with it until it seemed to turn off. This (obviously) can be a bit challenging with two littles.

What I've learned: Utilize supportive tools and support.

In order to function in this world where time is a thing that must be managed, I require tools. Timers are especially beneficial for our family. This has also been helpful within motherhood. If I tell our daughter she needs to clean up, it will not happen. If I set our rainbow timer and turn on music while announcing a ten minute speedy tidy up together, it will. I've also found the Pomodoro timer technique to be helpful. This is a process of setting short focus time periods and a short break in order to maintain optimized focus. I've found that 25 minutes to a five minute break helps my productivity, especially in household tasks such has laundry or cleaning the kitchen.

If I'm really struggling with time management and staying on task, I've found that specific music helps. For example, an uplifting playlist while wanting to move my body joyfully or a positive focus playlist when needing to get household tasks done helps me to stay focused. And of course, there's nothing like a soothing coffeehouse jazz when writing.

I also cannot manage all of the things I wish to accomplish on my own. Believing I should only invites me to feel overwhelmed and lose belief in myself. It's okay to ask for help, and to accept it with grace.

4) Getting Lost in Fear and Doubt

There were multiple times this year where I allowed myself to get completely swept up in fear and doubt. These occasions felt all encompassing and I struggled to see beyond the cloud that hung over me.

The healing process is an ongoing one. I've let ego get the best of me and falsely believed that since I've "done the work" and learned an abundance of healing modalities, my own past trauma is healed. Of course, this kind of thinking is only setting oneself up for negative self-belief when those inevitable but unexpected triggers arise.

I also found myself projecting these unhealed bits onto my partner. Despite all the growth we'd experienced in the last year, when overwhelmed with fear and doubt I've convinced myself that surely he was the problem. And I felt I needed to escape the problem.

Spoiler alert, the problem was not a human. It was neither he nor I who was responsible for our challenges. Neither one of us was the source of my emotional pain and distress. It was the unhealed aspects of both of us coming out to play, being fueled by fear and doubt.

Lesson Learned: Healing is not linear, and love is the anchor.

Just as I teach others, my own healing process is a spiral. As you ascend into a higher state of being you'll circle back around to previously painful experiences. The growth lies in whether you choose to repeat the same cycle (often unknowingly until it becomes blatantly obvious) or navigate from a greater place of love.

Whenever fear and doubt take over, love is always the anchor. I had to lean into why we chose one another and remember that even though growth can be terribly uncomfortable, the outcome is certainly worth it. And it sure has been.

My healing and self-discovery journey is nobody's but my own. It's not my partner's, parent's or children's, and not even my therapist's responsibility to navigate. While others can be there for me and I can seek out supportive resources, I am solely responsible for how I look at the world. I can look at it from a lens of painful past experiences, or I can choose to view the world with gratitude... even for the hardships. For when we zoom out of that cloud of fear and doubt, there is so much love to be thankful for.

5) Going Solo

I've often fooled myself into believing I can do it on my own. Sometimes out of ego, I feel capable enough to not need someone else... but more often out of the fear of burdening others with my need for support.

Losing two close friends over the previous year had done a number on my heart. One had passed away due to a recurrence of cancer and another faded because of an imbalance of values, both incredibly painful and deeply missed. It took me awhile to open up more to friendship and support.

Being on this side of the state and the majority of our family on the other, sometimes I have a hard time asking for help. And mothers... we all need help. We weren't made to do this thing alone and I've allowed myself to self-isolate when I should be reaching out to my incredible, intentionally created village.

Lesson Learned: We are meant to journey this thing together. On a personal note, your friends want to uplift you as much as you wish to uplift them! Let them! I'm so grateful for wonderfully kind neighbors and friends who have shown themselves to be there for our family time and time again.

And from a professional perspective, our mission is only amplified by joining together with others who are also seeking to make the world a better place. This past year has been made brighter by collaborations with the Cedar Valley Arboretum & Botanical Gardens, Downtown Cedar Falls, Drum Iowa, and so many more groups and individuals joining together to create goodness. I hope in the coming year I'm able to connect with, create with, and learn from more loving humans on a mission to spread love, education, healing, and kindness.

I hope as this year wraps up, you are able to celebrate your own failures with gentleness and joy. It's because of them that you are learning more about living your best life. And if you struggle to think of many notable failures this year... perhaps it's a sign to try more new things in 2025.

Grateful to be learning along with you. May your year to come be one containing great joys and an abundance of "failures"!

Peace & Healing,

Ashley Kay