We Are Jane Doe

While the majority of my writings involve uplifting, empowering, and healing guidance, the past week of headlines has had me feeling the nudge to share more vulnerably about sensitive aspects of my own life story.

Before I supported hundreds of women in healing and reconnecting with their intuitive healing wisdom.

Before my own healing journey began.

The Cornell case has brought up all sorts of emotions... as an assault survivor, as a woman, as a parent. And honestly, some of the emotions and memories are tough to work through. (trigger warning, SA)

I remember sitting down with a male cop in my early twenties, after finally reporting my ex-boyfriend for stalking, cyber-stalking, and threatening me.

I was seeking a restraining order.

I didn't have the language, nor the understanding at the time to explain that I had also been assaulted. Repeatedly. Because that was only something that happened in a back alley by a violent stranger, right? Not from someone you trusted and loved?

Wrong.

What I experienced was love-bombing, months of gradually increasing manipulation, diminishing my self-confidence, distancing me from men close to me who he felt threatened by, manipulating friends that I was still close to, blatant abuse of my empathetic nature, psychological, emotional and sexual abuse.

At the time I lacked the awareness and confidence to adequately explain to the male officer who clearly did not contain enough empathy or education as to the signs of abuse what had been going on... and why I felt so unsafe.

I was told to "change my number and delete my social media" and the officer would "give him a call.'

My request for a restraining order was denied.

I had a panic attack that day I received that denial and recall thinking, "Well, at least if he kills me, it will be on record that I tried to protect myself and they'll know it was him."

I suffered from anxiety and cptsd for years after. When my husband and I started dating he would catch a glimpse of my abuser's car circling my apartment building and receive messages from unknown numbers claiming to be in a relationship with me in attempt to scare him off. He would hack into my online accounts, even going as far as placing pictures within my computer files to intimidate me and changing the address in my saved "ship to" addresses. This went on for months and months.

I still have unexpected triggers arise, and my children have seen me fall apart at being startled or touched in a way my nervous system is not prepared for. It took me years to fall asleep without my phone in my hand under my pillow and a protection device of some sort nearby.

I've shared a lot within my work about healing, both my own journey and supporting the healing of others. Yet I've never fully shared this experience.

Why?

Because it is deeply vulnerable and painful, and for a long while I blamed myself. I felt stupid for not recognizing what was going on at the time, and for letting myself be treated that way. I wanted to protect loved ones from knowing my experience. And as is common, I maintained the image of a normal and healthy relationship on the outside, while my spirit began dying on the inside.

R*pe culture relies on our silence.

"Shame must change sides" as stated by the courageous Gisèle Pelicot, a French survivor of extensive sexual violence who chose to waive her right to anonymity during her high-profile trial. Our voices, our stories matter... and I know I am one of far too many women with an experience like this. We are all Jane Doe

As a survivor, this case triggers memories of being that age and in a vulnerable place just as Jane Doe was.

"Free p*ssy" was the message, sent in the group chat to invite 57 cowardly young men to assault this young woman.

Free.

Like a sign someone would place on a chair put on the curb.

Which brings up two considerations... men's entitlement and women's bodies being treated as a commodity.

When I look back at this past relationship with wiser eyes, there were red flags of male entitlement toward me and my body. I was encouraged to flaunt my body at times when he felt it made him look good, and intensely shamed for trying to gain attention when he felt insecure. I was verbally abused and made to feel like I did something wrong if we were in public and he thought a man looked at me for too long. But these red flags may have been easier to spot if we as women hadn't been receiving the same messages since girlhood.

That our value lies in our appearance and being visually desirable to the opposite sex.

That boys/men were for positions of respect and power and girls/women were accessories, meant for positions of support, servitude, and subservience.

That boys will be boys.

That we needed to be careful of how we dressed, so as not to tempt boys into wrongdoing. As though they had no control over their choices, but we were somehow responsible for them.

But this wasn't just about our childhoods. Look around now.

We have a convicted r*pist as sitting president of our country. Someone who boasted that he could "grab them by the pussy" and who publicly bragged about being able to go "inspect" the dressing room of young pageant girls as they were changing. All of this known BEFORE being elected... before many I knew and respected voted for him.

Statewide we have had numerous teachers, therapists, coaches, and religious figures who have been charged with sexual misconduct. Of minors. Of children whose care had been entrusted to them. And these are just those who have been called to attention and their victims believed.

Globally, roughly 1 in 3 women will experience physical or sexual violence in their lifetime (and that is based off of reported statistics). Most victims know their attacker and about half, like myself, are assaulted by a current or former partner. Approximately 81% of women are sexually harassed.

Like the time I was out with some girlfriends and had an unknown man grab my a** as he walked by, looking back at my shocked face with a smirk of knowing he could get away with it as he lost himself in the crowd. Or the time I had a guy sit strategically at an event so he could spent the evening looking down my shirt and making unwelcome comments. Or the time I was cornered in a college dorm room and thankfully able to sneak myself away. Or the time my 15 year old self was told I was "jail bait" by someone who was 18, not even knowing what that meant. Or the time... etc etc etc.

Boys must be raised to understand consent, which can begin with play from a young age. Boys must be raised to honor a girl/women's body as sacred, rather than being taught it is something to use or earn access to. Boys must grow up understanding that feminity is powerful, and emotional awareness is part of being human. And most of all, boys MUST be held accountable for their actions.

So how does this happen?

They can't just be told, they must be SHOWN.

They must have love and respect of women demonstrated so strongly by men they look up to that it overrides all the terrible examples within positions of leadership and societal influence.

Entire structural organizations, patriarchal systems, and religious heirarchies that place men in positions of power need to shift. We know this. But again... how?

Honestly, I'm not sure.

Sometimes it feels debilitating to see so many examples of these backward beliefs and painful harm being excused and accepted. We watch as less than 5% of rapists ever face a felony conviction. We see "good guys" staying silent in the face of wrongdoing, believing themselves to be innocent because they weren't the one who did it... while refusing to call out concerning behaviors or hold their friends/colleagues/family members accountable.

But when I feel myself losing hope, I look at these kids.

Our kind and strong-willed daughter, who doesn't let a single injustice go by without calling it to attention. The girl I've taught from a young age that she needn't make others comfortable at the expense of her own comfort or safety.

And our tender-hearted boy, who runs over to offer his sister a hug and bring her favorite stuffy when she feels sad. The boy I have conversations about consent with on the regular, even if at four it primarily has to do with respecting his sister's things and asking permission before we hug or wrestle.

And I have hope.

I have hope that the mothers who were raised to be "good girls" are raising strong and aware daughters, and honorable and respectful sons. I have hope that our partners will grow more courageous in calling out what they grew up learning was socially acceptable. I have hope that those in positions of power will hold one another accountable and to a far higher standard than we have allowed. I have hope that with the growing of this next generation will continue to shift toward a mutual respect between genders and identities. And I have hope that whole these stories are painful, they are simply the bringing of darkness to light... for only when they have been brought to light can they be healed.

🕯️May we have the courage to share our truths when safe and necessary (even those that may be uncomfortable) and heal our body, mind, and spirit as we do.

🕯️May we hold one another, regardless of status, wealth, or perceived power, accountable for our actions.

🕯️ May we grow alongside the next generation, learning lessons from our children's inherent goodness and raising them to know, honor and respect all living beings.

In Healing & Hope,

Ashley Kay